Well, the candy corn and pumpkins are already out in the stores and we all know what that means … it’s almost Christmas! And when Christmas rolls around, of one thing you can be sure: ‘Solomon Slade’, pseudonymous aphorist, will be bringing out a new collection. Solomon delighted us in 2009 and doesn’t disappoint this year, either, stuffing his aphoristic stocking with Solomonic wisdom and festive wisecracks. Here are selections from Solomon’s Mine; what Solomon has mined is now all yours… Have an aphoristic Christmas!

The difference between surprise and suspicion is whether the number of eyebrows raised is even or odd.

Nature never forgets a birthday.

Weightlifters gain muscle with repetition—rumors gain weight.

Accepting blame is often a subterfuge for stopping criticism.

Skyscrapers don’t end till they run out of stories—like tedious people.

Why can’t nature draw a straight line?

Many heroes would not be so if they had lived another hour.

Forgiveness can be a form of retribution.

If our elbows bent the other way, we could constantly pat ourselves on the back, but we wouldn’t be able to masturbate. Tough call.

People with nothing to do need the most rigid schedules.

Lovers walk at slow speed for fear of reaching a destination.